Review: Grown-Up Soda
A four-pack of Grown-Up Soda’s Dry Cola.
[Editor’s note: My nine-year-old cousin Alex emailed me this review and asked me to get the word out about this soda. He’s precocious.]
When I found out my parents bought Grown-Up Soda at the supermarket, I was stoked. Do you know how many times I’ve been told that I can’t have Dr. Pepper or that I can’t do the Dew just because “it has too much sugar”? Or “it has too much caffeine”? Or “the last time you drank a two-liter you threw up all over the downstairs carpet, and we can’t afford another cleaning”?
So you can imagine my joy that I wasn’t just getting a regular soda but a grown-up soda. Grown-ups get to do whatever they want, so this GuS stuff must be awesome. Straight packed with caffeine and sugar and who knows what else!
Well, dear reader, brace yourself for a harrowing tale fraught with the sort of fanciful misconceptions typical of youth that at first seem doses of whimsy but, in the cold and hard light of later, are merely a prelude to regret.
I am sad, and I am mad too.
The first thing I noticed was the glass bottle. This wasn’t necessarily bad, though it obviously wasn’t optimized for my child-grip and nascent motor skills. I clutched the soda in both hands and scanned the label. The flavor was “Dry Cola”. “Dry”? It’s a liquid… how can it be dry? I kept an open mind even as I swallowed back a little disappointment. Clearly, I was hoping for some sort of regular, wet cola. I remember I told myself, “I just hope it’s not super-gross.”
Next, I caught “Kosher” out of the corner of my eye. That seemed fine. My friend Dave’s older brother had a Bar Mitzvah once, but I didn’t go. Likewise, I looked past “No Preservatives”— if anything it was a little dangerous, like the weird cheese my Uncle Don makes as a hobby. Or dodgeball.
I tell you, though, I really started to worry as I read the words “100% Natural”. Now “natural” isn’t a death sentence in and of itself. A lot of things are natural and also cool: dogs, life, Santa Claus, girls (supposedly), making a doodie. But take it from me, it doesn’t take nine years of life to figure out that natural food is a nightmare. I still remember the time my mom packed kale chips in my lunch box. My friend Dave lorded his Dunkaroos over me until I called him a “farthead” and started screaming and crying right there in the cafeteria. It was a dark day.
Still, all of these fears paled in comparison to ”No Caffeine”. What the h-e-double hockey sticks?! NONE. ZERO. The opposite of “Some Caffeine”! I assure you, if I were allowed to swear, I would have cursed like a sailor in a Saigon bordello. But I’m not allowed to do that, so instead I set the GuS down, hyperventilated into the paper bag from the grocery, and recovered a moment. And that’s when I prayed a tiny pray that this drink was loaded with sugar, ripped the cap from the bottle, and threw back a swig.
Grossness. Super-grossness, yo. And not sweet at all! AT ALL! Was this a sick joke? A punishment from my parents for bad behavior? Well, believe me, that’s when I poured the rest of the soda all over the downstairs carpet and threw a conniption fit the likes of which hadn’t been seen since Kale Day.
Btw, as I started pouring the soda, I noticed some capitalized words on the label that I had previously missed: “NOT TOO SWEET”. Lol, what?! Like “too sweet” can ever have ANY meaning whatsoever. HAVE THEY EVER EVEN GONE TRICK-OR-TREATING?
In conclusion, I don’t understand how this soda is grown-up at all. If this is what being a grown-up is like, then I’m staying 9 for my entire life. YOLO, bitches.
